When the pen strikes paper,
must it always leave a stain?
I'd much rather make a paradise
so real you know you're dreaming,
a light-hearted place with even sad men laughing
and girls who speak in simple phrases,
or sing wordless songs by the waterfall.
Euphoria would spread like wildfire,
soul and soul consumed and flaring brighter.
Naturally, every pretty pair of lips would be seeking yours,
yet no one would dare glare daggers at the competition.
A year would last a lifetime.
And at the end of each,
you could choose to live it over again.
Alas, however,
for when I write
there are only stains
that spider outward from my pen,
lines of pollution on otherwise pure paper,
and a dream that's always shattered.














Comments
Sometimes, I doubt it. I feel like all the great writers have already died, and it's so weird to think that I know one. But I do, and it's you, because I like so much of what you write.
--
"Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear."
I actually had to tell my room mate that someone made me smile, and explain why.
<3
--
The Brat Princess
Mistress of Mayhem
Redhead with Attitude
I loved the painting of the hypothetical paradise, and the idea of slipping into that and then backing out into grim reality was a good one. Maybe the stained paper theme was a bit too straightforward; some lines in the beginning and end seem almost redundant.
A few specific suggestions: I'd change "or sing wordless song" to "or sing wordless songs" or "or sing in wordless song". Just a grammatical issue.
I didn't like the wildfire simile. It didn't seam to fit with the soothing, cool paradise feel the rest of that section gives.
Other than that, I liked. Kudos!
--
"All art is quite useless."
Oscar Wilde
How to suggest a DD: [link]
--
nobody is weird.. its just a word to discriminate people who others find different from them.
-dreamsdenied
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